That Strange Empty Feeling is Back.

As a rule I go about any complex task with considerable deliberate planning. That was always true of curriculum decisions. In my era as an English teacher in public secondary schools, there were state mandated guides to grade level content to be sure, but the reality was that the specifics of covering the subject matter left virtually all of the selection of materials to the individual instructor, and I thrived in that responsibility. Long hours, day after day, and thoughts in the mind almost constantly all through the school year. It really never stopped; always thinking, always planning, always focused on prepping, researching, honing, polishing, revising.

For more than a decade and a half, I was free to choose both the depth and the scope of class content and to determine the division of various topics presented over the school year in each subject and grade level. Fortunately I was skilled in determining student achievement in both the individual student and across the averaged composite of several classes, and was successful in providing guidance and instruction which resulted in high student achievement. I relished the challenge. I loved the detail and the intricate blending of ideas into a good lesson. I really put my all into it, day after day, week in and week out. Overall, my kids were well taught and able to demonstrate mastery of the class subject, but it took a lot of effort on my part.

Here, finally, is my point. I always felt strange after the completion of a school term. I missed the disciplined hours of preparation and planning. I missed the pressure and the rigid routine that was both joy and refuge. And when the task was completed for the term, I needed something to fill the void. I actually felt a bit light-headed for a few days after school was out. The somewhat trite explanation of "a weight being lifted" is quite accurate. Actually, it was the laying down a burden that I did not realize was so heavy. The effect was a bit disorienting for a couple of days. It helped to be living in Alaska where there was always much to do in the summer season.

It's back! I haven't experienced that feeling for years, maybe since 1987, when I retired. But this week it has returned. Wednesday afternoon I finished a major study of many weeks with the seniors at church. That evening I concluded an intense study which had also taken many weeks with the evening LIFE group at home. Yesterday something kept nagging at me; there was surely something I should be doing and wasn't, something I was overlooking, and I was going to wake up way behind the eight-ball. And today while helping out at the annual church garage sale I kept experiencing that same ol' feeling like I was somehow off-task. I felt like a balloon and someone had cut my string. It's strange to be so disconnected and to have the urge to be doing something urgent and not know what, AND to simultaneously know intellectually the job is over. Weird. Like my heart still wants to keep at it, but can't.

This too will pass in a few days. A little time and it will go away. A little debriefing with a few of the folk in each of those classes, and I can move on. But for right now, when I would usually be studying, I feel like I'm being negligent about something. It's just the rebound, and it will be over soon, but meanwhile I'm sure I left something undone or unfinished. I looked around, but I can't find it, and I can't figure it out.

Anyone else ever get this sensation?