A BALANCE OF CHANGES AND BLESSINGS

***Here we go again with the nausea and accompanying “pink tubs”. Betty has been having more frequent bouts of this illness, and following a couple of falls early this week, she is also having considerably more pain. Hospice nurse Cathey has increased the dosage of her non-narcotic anti-pain medication and that has helped somewhat, but the resultant effect seems to be longer and more frequent naps. Those who have called and asked to drop by when convenient are seeing her still in her jammies these days.
***Another change I am more concerned about is that she is only eating bits and dabs of her meals now. Betty explained it to her oncologist as just not being hungry and his explanation was that this is a common development as the body reacts (“accommodates”) to the ongoing cancer which is still at work. Finally, it is increasingly obvious to me, at least, that she is weaker and is not as capable physically as she was a month ago. Getting around – just inside from room to room, up and down from bed and chairs, in and out of the front door or the car – is beginning to require deliberate thought and strategic pauses to figure out balance and foot placement and rally the strength. I am staying much closer as she navigates but still realize that she can go down before I can prevent the tumble as she did earlier this week.
***I do not know if these oncoming problems are deliberately matched by God’s special blessings or not, but it appears that whenever there is a new problem or we face a higher level over some development or deterioration, there also comes to counter it a special letter full of encouraging and loving words, a tender and meaningful call from a dear friend, or an unexpected visit from someone who has been important in our lives. We have noticed a couple of her correspondents are writing weekly with cheerful thoughts and fascinating news and abundant love blended with spiritual encouragement. Of course these are the letters she opens first and over which she lingers longest. In another case, a local family stopped by with a beautiful, handmade seasonal gift in hand to check on her well-being. They brought all their young and wonderful children who very politely participated in the conversations and shared about their schooling and other activities including one of their ongoing money-making projects. (Of course, we quickly invested in that!) Their thoughtfulness in coming to visit and express their love and concern was touching and was deeply appreciated. Before these friends departed, each family was prayed for by the other. (If you know me, you will understand my tears of gratitude both then and now as I relate it to you.) This week my brother from Northern California was able to visit for a few days and be a witness to Betty’s situation and her own state of mind and spirit. I believe he was reassured that she is calm and at peace about her remaining days and that she is being not only brave for herself but heroic in her concern for the peace of mind of others.
***Speaking of tears which come these days with almost every emotion, let me assure you that for me they are always of value. I am finding my tears to come for a host of reasons and in almost every case they bring comfort. Some flow because of joy, some are caused by moments of expressed love, many come in spiritual moments of prayer or when hearing or reading scripture. Those tears that well up when reflecting on the highlights of our past and the many beloved souls we have known and who have been part of our journey together are frequent now as we review the many folk and events that have filled our years with delights. The tears which are most bitter for me are those I shed when thinking of what still lies ahead for Betty and for me. I do not fear her future for it will be eternal and in the warmest sunlight of God’s Love. I do dread the oncoming days of dealing with pain and other discomforts that this cancer still has in store for her. I fear the days that will follow as I must face walking without her until eventually comes the blessing of my own release from mortality. So for now at least, I find my tears – which I do not control – to serve their various purposes, and I ask that you not be concerned for me if my voice “washes out” by a sudden “flash flood”.