NOTES ON BETTY'S PASSING

By now most of you know that my precious Betty died on the morning of March 2, 2012. After a few minutes of restlessness, her last moments were quite swift and altogether gentle, and that was a blessing indeed. Over a period of only a few minutes her breathing slowed and quietly ceased at 9:45 AM. She had been in deep sleep for two and a half days before her passing, and we did not expect to happen as soon as it did.

Although we did not realize it at the time, Betty actually left us on Tuesday February 28th. On that day she was in considerable discomfort and the visiting hospice nurse felt a powerful sedative should be given to mitigate the pain. All during the couple of hours it took for the drug to take effect we were desperately trying to offer her any possible comfort. Eventually she dropped off in a restless sort of sleep. Late that day an adjustable hospital bed was delivered to allow more flexibility in her sleeping position, but we decided not to move her until the next morning.

Through the night she slept well, but with no sign of awakening, and when morning came she slept on still. The transfer to the family room and into the hospital bed was less difficult than I expected, and I realized it was partly because she had lost so much weight. For quite a while her body struggled to adapt to the new positions and find relief for the pain her injuries appeared to be causing. After most of the day had passed and she was receiving stronger oral, liquid medication Betty finally seemed able to relax, but still there was no sign of awakening. She slept through Wednesday night almost without changing position at all.

Thursday, after the medications were resumed, was a quiet day for her as her body “rested” without struggle. We continued ministering to her needs and to moisten her lips with the little sponges and wash her face and comb her hair as she would have been doing for us if it were we were sick. Her children and I continued to talk to her and include her in the family activity and conversations, but really there was still no sign that she was aware of anything happening around her. We prayed with her and sang to her, but without knowing whether she could perceive these efforts to offer comfort. Surely God and His angels were nearby, preparing to make her passing into the arms of her Savior as gentle as possible. And it was.

Once the necessary contacts had been accomplished and the Hospice nurse officially pronounced her death, all the pre-arranged plans were put into effect. Because her medical history of living successfully with Parkinson’s Disease since 1990 would be available to researchers who are searching for a cure or improved treatments for that malady, Betty had decided to donate her brain for that purpose. Transportation to Oregon Health and Sciences University (OHSU) occurred without delay, and following the “harvest”, her body was transferred to a crematory in Vancouver. Our family has some thoughts about placing her ashes of which she was aware although perhaps she was a little amused at the idea. That may become the topic of a future blog someday.

The first weekend without Betty was quite busy and involved restoring things to their former places. With the kids here and many visitors it seemed rather chaotic, but the basics were achieved and suddenly, even with folk around and plenty yet to do, an emptiness without her presence and conversation began to be felt. All the tasks and all the time spent in caregiving and in expressing our love and concern to her seemed to pile up without a way to be fulfilled. I have told several of my feeling I should be plumping up her pillow, or doling out medications, or making a nutritional smoothie, or helping her bathe and change into clean jammies, or something! I wandered about looking for what I was supposed to be doing without finding the missing – and probably urgent – task I should be doing. But there was nothing to do for her anymore. And that was an empty, helpless feeling. No more little talks, no more Bible readings, no more foot rubs or back rubs, no more sharing the mail she received daily; just no more anything.

Friday night and Saturday night and Sunday night I was up extremely late because I simply could not face crawling into an empty bed with no warmth or cuddling or pillow talk. There is so much I am going to miss. I’m working on facing things without a babysitter hanging around by staying busy listing all the paperwork to be done and all the legal documents to be changed. That will keep me busy for a while.

For now I will try to continue this blog from time to time as I figure out what I need to write about. For now I can’t see or anticipate just what is coming, and I am sort of on automatic pilot and not able yet to plan ahead very far, but I am acutely aware of the firestorm of emotions I am experiencing and the need to confront and process the grief which is building. Writing things out on this page might be a format for handling part of that too.

Finally, thank you to each of you that have come or called or caught me at church and offered “whatever I can do”. It’s good to know there are so many life rings to grasp. And to end this session, let me repeat (in case you have not already heard me say this): It is time to change your prayers (i.e. recalibrate your prayer wheel.) and no longer plead for God’s intervention in Betty’s behalf, but instead it’s time for prayers of Praises and Thanksgivings that God was faithful to keep His promises and was completely compassionate to her. We will eventually recover, but for now we must honor her Father of Mercies who will also surround us with a hedge of comfort and gentleness.