CELEBRATIONS AND PREPARATIONS

Thursday, February 23, 2012, was a major marriage milestone for Betty and me. Given the uncertainty of life, we did not know whether we would both be here to celebrate this anniversary or not because of the diagnosis and progress of Betty’s cancer after we became aware of it last September. But by the Lord’s mercies, since the diagnosis we have seen Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Day, our birthdays in January, and now perhaps the most precious of all to us, our 48th Anniversary.

Do you tend to measure the periods of your lives as we do like chapters in a book or by the milestones passed, or by important events we choose to commemorate? Where we lived, which major events occurred and when, and what was going on in the world around us – these are distinguishing landmarks in the journey of life, and we refer to them repeatedly as we celebrate where we are and where we have been. It’s how we keep track of family history and a host of friendships.

Although our lives had apparently crossed earlier, we really didn’t meet and become an item until we met at Pepperdine, then still a small Christian college in south Los Angeles. We managed a whirlwind courtship as this brief outline will suggest: our first “date” on January 4th (between our birthdays), my proposal on February 4th, and our wedding on Sunday, February 23rd. We cut classes to honeymoon at Disneyland on Monday only to find it closed! With limited options, and no time or money to squander, we ended up visiting a new place called Knott’s Berry Farm for lunch before crossing the street to take in the Alligator Ranch as well. Back at school Betty was not allowed to take the mid-term test she missed on Monday and had to repeat the class later. And that week we moved into our first home in the WWII barracks called Normandie Village, Pepperdine’s housing for married students.

After we both graduated we moved to Beaumont, California, where I taught English and Speech for two years. That began my career, but our best achievement there was the birth of our first child, David Matthew. Unable to raise support to do missionary work in Japan, we opted instead for Juneau, Alaska, where I continued to teach English and other related communications subjects. Betty did some substitute teaching and worked a while for the State. Twice again our finest accomplishments in the early years there were Patricia Kay and Geoffrey Kent. Our lives revolved around the three children, our active participation in the Juneau Church of Christ, my various employments, and exploring the recreational offerings of the Alaskan frontier.

While the kids were young, Betty was always home to care for them. We believed it was vital to promote their education - socially, academically, physically, and spiritually - and we tempered every decision in light of those fundamental principles. Even after all elementary schooling was behind us and Betty worked for the Federal Fisheries Laboratory as an editor and primary support to the Academic Dean, it was understood that her children’s needs came before her job. With her skills and value proven, her boss, a world-famous fisheries scientist was both supportive and protective of this arrangement because he needed her and knew she would not abuse their agreement.

During our remaining years in Alaska, we continued to be involved in church and community activities, and any other pursuit which would strengthen our family or support the abilities of our children. They in turn, excelled in school and in their own areas of interest. By the time we left Alaska and relocated in Washington State, Betty and I had been married twenty-three years and two of the kids were in college. We selected Vancouver, so Geoffrey could complete high school at Columbia Christian High School, and we were more than rewarded by the outstanding results over his three years there. Almost before we could get settled, Patty married her high school sweetheart who had followed her to Harding University. In only a few years we experienced what may have been our most interesting transition – marriage-wise! We became empty nesters and had the delightful opportunity to get to know one another all over again. The following years brought some travel, an opportunity to serve the church in a special way, David’s marriage, and the first granddaughters, but it also brought the diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease for Betty in 1990.

Some highlights of the next decade included a little international travel. We twice had the opportunity to visit Togo, West Africa, while Edwin and Patty were working there with a missionary team planting churches. Later, Geoffrey taught school in Caracas, Venezuela, for two years and we enjoyed visiting him in that lovely place. We drove across the country, attended meetings and seeing friends on several occasions. When Betty wrote her book about “Jessie” - a book everyone should read!! – we drove to Alaska twice for on-site research in Eagle on the Yukon River. Memories of those travels are special to us. Another major activity we have loved is hosting mid-week Bible Study Groups during the past twenty years or more. Some of dearest and closest friends have been those who are now or who once were a part of these awesome fellowships. All we have done has been done together and has helped us grow closer and more focused as man and wife, and we hope the advice and assistance and example we have shared with others makes their marriages as strong and as loving as is ours.

Clearly, I could wax on and on but this “short blog” is not the right format for that. Today we are dealing with Betty’s decline caused by the uterine cancer which has captured her bones. This week we are dealing with much pain and trying to control it still with an ever stronger combination of pills. Betty is having periods of confusion and disorientation and even disconnect. Part of the time she is mixing the reality of the moment with recent dreams or her own private perceptions. We are having trouble understanding and interpreting her words which are often inaudible or without meaning to us. Her injuries and disability from that fall last week are not diminishing and since the x-rays did not show any fractures we are now guessing the she pulled muscles or tendons in her thigh and groin which are painful and prevent her from bearing her own weight.

Today, Saturday the 25th, all three of her kids are with her. Geoffrey arrived yesterday from Juneau; David came from Kennewick; Patty has cleared much of her schedule to be here too. At the moment they are singing camp songs like “The Bear in Tennis Shoes”! With this kind of stimulation, Betty is more alert and responsive and at times able to participate to some degree in the conversations. Her need to sleep so much and the ebb and flow of the effective minutes of her medications requires us to be extremely flexible as to when to plan meals or entertainment or any other activity. Domestic chores are worked in when least disruptive or while she is napping.

Finally, to wrap up this posting, it is the moments of prayer, or Bible reading, or as someone sings to/with her that Betty gets that far-away look in her eyes as though she can somehow see just beyond the veil and catch a glimpse of the heaven that awaits her. Last night, upon learning of the death on Friday of our precious friend Kay V. from her own battle against cancer, Betty remarked, “She was a good lady and a good friend. We are going to be together soon”. With similar confidence, we are all looking forward to the comforts of heaven one day. Betty will be first, but all the rest of us plan to join her when our own passing comes. Even so, right now my hardest moments come with the tender thoughts in prayers and in considering the meanings of the verses in songs about heaven and about finally being with the Lord where He has prepared mansions for the faithful. That, and enduring this terrible process of watching my darling decline from the wonderful way she has always lived life are almost unbearable. I’ve had in mind a thought early Christians expressed, “Maranatha”, or Come Lord. And as the Revelation concludes, Jesus says, “Yes, I am coming quickly". And the writer John responds, “Amen, Come, Lord Jesus”. And I can accept that now, for her sake. So, Lord, if it is your will, do come quickly.

PS Check out Patty's blog "A Gentle Touch" on www.clayinkpot.blogspot.com or link to it on my sidebar.

SOWING THE SEEDS OF FRIENDSHIPS

*** Over the years we have been fortunate to form many close and interesting friendships. Wherever we have lived our lives have become entwined with others who became like family to us. Their activities and interests and achievements were interesting and important to us and their families and ours often shared meaningful events together. The roster of these friends include married couples near our own age, many single individuals, older couples who sometimes served as surrogate parents, children who grew into adult friends, and even some of our own relatives became part of the mix.
*** Naturally we were most often attracted to others our own age. They may have been friends from work, or folk with similar hobbies and pursuits, but usually they were just other couples like us from where we attended church. Just after our move to Alaska, for example, we were part of a group of six or seven young marrieds who spent most of our free time together in outdoor recreation or in one another’s homes for meals and games, as well as sharing in church related activities. Over the years, especially after kids came along, the nature of these relationships evolved, but the mutual support and affection endured even as our lives changed considerably.
*** At times we were mentored by those senior to us, and we deeply enjoyed and needed the time spent in such mature company. We watched and learned from these mature Christian examples who helped us grow more able to manage our own marriage skills. Sometimes, however, we fell into the role of counselors to younger folk who entered marriage after we had established the friendship. This latter opportunity to lend encouragement and support and to serve as a living example to newlyweds we always took as a serious responsibility.
*** The closeness we developed with several young, single individuals were precious indeed and most of the friendships based upon these “virtual adoptions” continue today. We seemed to gather more unmarried young ladies (daughters) than fellas, but all of them just needed some “family” to gather them in and show them some love and attention. Over time some of them did marry and we were able to include a new son or daughter into the fold. In fact, while we were collecting college aged friends one of the couples was married in our back yard. The groom in this fine couple grew up with our own kids in Alaska so he also serves as an example of children we once knew who later became adult friends.
*** SATTST – “Said All That To Say This”. We are finding a great deal of truth in Bible verses we have learned over the years but which we had not entirely experienced before. In the midst of much other wisdom, Ecclesiastes 11:1 tells us (and I paraphrase) “if we cast our bread upon the waters, it will someday come back to bless us when we need it.” In this sense, all the efforts we have made in forming and protecting strong, faith-based friendships are coming back to us now in the love and encouragement and uplifting prayers and visitations of loved ones who are not only beloved in the present, but those cherished friends of yesteryear also. In terms of developing a personal network of kindred friends of like spirit, the ongoing and eventual rewards more than repay the effort and care invested. Whether you pay it now, or pay it back, or even pay it forward, in terms of making and nurturing friends, I can not believe you will not be deeply and frequently blessed at some point.
*** Today a man and his wife whom we love dearly came to visit and to pay their respects to Betty. Almost four decades ago this gentle and remarkable lady came from her native India to live in Juneau. This friendship – especially between the ladies – was close and tender and vital. For over six years we prayed that her husband would be able to come also, and eventually that came about. Now they have raised their children, completed their careers and retired. Knowing about Betty’s situation, today they made a lengthy drive to sit with her and demonstrate their love and concern. The beautiful visit today was a gracious bookend to when we supported their immigration long ago. Indeed, we unexpectedly received back a blessing we had offered to them so many years past. That verse in Ecclesiastes is right on!
*** On Wednesday, after we had waited for several days, a technician brought a portable X-ray machine to our house, and without requiring Betty to get out of bed, took five films, including a pair of each hip and one of the pelvic area. Fortunately, there are no breaks or hairline fractures, so that fear has been overcome (and probably through the host of prayers many of you were offering). What was discovered is that she has a case of “aggravated osteo-arthritis”. Basically, something – perhaps her fall, but maybe due to the aggressive cancer or changes in diet or medication (or weather or politics or Northern Lights, or the price of tea in Southeast Asia, or…, or…, or… ) – something has caused this condition to flare up and cause considerable pain and discomfort. Slight adjustments in medications and other accommodations in daily care are helping us back to the current normal. Clearly, we are on a dangerous, slippery slope and we notice that Betty does not recover fully from each event she experiences. Now we are beginning to see occasional mild signs of confusion or disorientation, and we fear that is among the challenges on the horizon
*** Let me close by mentioning again the many thoughtful, meaningful, and detailed comments some of you have left on this blog. Because of the intimate nature of some of these personal remarks, I did decide to not post them. All were appreciated, but some have just been too personal to share in this format. I understand your hearts and how you want to reach out to Betty and me, but this is a time to honor Betty and encourage her with the cards and letters and personal news about yourself that she so enjoys. Please drop her a note and remind her of good times and happy events we have shared. It will make her day lighter.

SOWING THE SEEDS OF FRIENDSHIPS

Over the years we have been fortunate to form many close and interesting friendships. Wherever we have lived our lives have become entwined with others who became like family to us. Their activities and interests and achievements were interesting and important to us and their families and ours often shared meaningful events together. The roster of these friends include married couples near our own age, many single individuals, older couples who sometimes served as surrogate parents, children who grew into adult friends, and even some of our own relatives became part of the mix.
Naturally we were most often attracted to others our own age. They may have been friends from work, or folk with similar hobbies and pursuits, but usually they were just other couples like us from where we attended church. Just after our move to Alaska, for example, we were part of a group of six or seven young marrieds who spent most of our free time together in outdoor recreation or in one another’s homes for meals and games, as well as sharing in church related activities. Over the years, especially after kids came along, the nature of these relationships evolved, but the mutual support and affection endured even as our lives changed considerably.
At times we were mentored by those senior to us, and we deeply enjoyed and needed the time spent in such mature company. We watched and learned from these mature Christian examples who helped us grow more able to manage our own marriage skills. Sometimes, however, we fell into the role of counselors to younger folk who entered marriage after we had established the friendship. This latter opportunity to lend encouragement and support and to serve as a living example to newlyweds we always took as a serious responsibility.
The closeness we developed with several young, single individuals were precious indeed and most of the friendships based upon these “virtual adoptions” continue today. We seemed to gather more unmarried young ladies (daughters) than fellas, but all of them just needed some “family” to gather them in and show them some love and attention. Over time some of them did marry and we were able to include a new son or daughter into the fold. In fact, while we were collecting college aged friends one of the couples was married in our back yard. The groom in this fine couple grew up with our own kids in Alaska so he also serves as an example of children we once knew who later became adult friends.
SATTST – “Said All That To Say This”. We are finding a great deal of truth in Bible verses we have learned over the years but which we had not entirely experienced before. In the midst of much other wisdom, Ecclesiastes 11:1 tells us (and I paraphrase) “if we cast our bread upon the waters, it will someday come back to bless us when we need it.” In this sense, all the efforts we have made in forming and protecting strong, faith-based friendships are coming back to us now in the love and encouragement and uplifting prayers and visitations of loved ones who are not only beloved in the present, but those cherished friends of yesteryear also. I n terms of developing a personal network of kindred friends of like spirit, the ongoing and eventual rewards more than repay the effort and care invested. Whether you pay it now, or pay it back, or even pay it forward, in terms of making and nurturing friends, I can not believe you are will not be deeply and frequently blesses at some point.
Today a man and his wife whom we love dearly came to visit and to pay their respects to Betty. Almost four decades ago this gentle and remarkable lady came from her native India to live in Juneau. This friendship – especially between the ladies – was close and tender and vital. For over six years we prayed that her husband would be able to come also, and eventually that came about. Now they have raised their children, completed their careers and retired. Knowing about Betty’s situation, today they made a lengthy drive to sit with her and demonstrate their love and concern. The beautiful visit today was a gracious bookend to when we supported their immigration long ago. Indeed, we unexpectedly received back a blessing we had offered to them so many ago. That verse in Ecclesiastes is right on!
On Wednesday, after we had waited for several days, a technician brought a portable X-ray machine to our house, and without requiring Betty to get out of bed, took five films, including a pair of each hip and one of the pelvic area. Fortunately, there are no breaks or hairline fractures, so that fear has been overcome (and probably through the host of prayers many of you were offering). What was discovered is that she has a case of “aggravated osteo-arthritis”. Basically, something – perhaps her fall, but maybe due to the aggressive cancer or changes in diet or medication (or weather or politics or Northern Lights, or the price of tea in Southeast Asia, or…, or…, or… ) – something has caused this condition to flare up and cause considerable pain and discomfort. Slight adjustments in medications and other accommodations in daily care are helping us back to the current normal. Clearly, we are on a dangerous, slippery slope and we notice that Betty does not recover fully from each event she experiences. Now we are beginning to see occasional mild signs of confusion or disorientation, and we fear that is among the challenges on the horizon
Let me close by mentioning again the many thoughtful, meaningful, and detailed comments some of you have left on this blog. Because of the intimate nature of some of these personal remarks, I did decide to not post them. All were appreciated, but some have just been too personal to share in this format. I understand your hearts and how you want to reach out to Betty and me, but this is a time to honor Betty and encourage her with the cards and letters and personal news about yourself that she so enjoys. Please drop her a note and remind her of good times and happy events we have shared. It will make her day lighter.

SUNBEAMS PIERCE THE CLOUDS

The windstorm blasting out of the Columbia George lasted five days or more and was accompanied by cold rain and dark grey skies. It thrashed the trees throughout our place and as far as we can see onto the neighbor’s lots as well. The lawns and driveways are cluttered with the litter of tree debris and broken limbs. The unraked leaves of last fall that swirled about, racing first this way and then that now lie piled up against the house and fences. During the nights an occasional crash or thump left us wondering what had fallen or torn loose from its normal location. We had to wait until later to assess the damage. While the storm raged, there was little to do but hunker down and let the gusty beast blow itself out. However, during the whole tumult, at times sunlight did pierce the gloom and briefly reminded us that days of light and warmth and renewal are not far away.

My little weather report of recent days could be a metaphor of how we fared physically and spiritually during the past week. Of course, you will realize that the perspectives the observations are mine and may be a bit dark, but I hope to relate to you moments of light and hope too as I compose my thoughts for this post.

Our world became much smaller for a time this week, as there were several days in which we seldom left the familiar comfort of our bedroom. In fact several friends have graciously joined Betty at her bedside to be in company and to visit with her about other loved ones and about bygone memories. Parallel to the sounds of nighttime damage outside, I was awakened before dawn by Betty crashing to the floor as she tried to make her way to the bedside commode. I can’t relate all the thoughts and fears of awful consequence which came to mind as I tried to grasp reality after being jerked so abruptly from sound sleep. Suffice to say that although some bodily damage was done, Betty can still stand with assistance and can (painfully) walk a short distance – i.e. to the family room. There is cancer in the all the thick portion of her bones, including her lower pelvis, and this primary focal spot for her pain is considerably more tender now since the fall. So we are waiting, in the dark as-it-were, until light comes to let us assess the injury more accurately.

The falling, combined with other ongoing changes this week, has changed the routine and left the other details of our lives and surroundings a bit cluttered. This is like the residue of tree-trash covering the lawns. In like manner, this week there seem to be uncounted bits of this and parts of that which are still in the unfinished or undone columns. At some point I’ll get all these little projects tidied up and be ready to move on to the larger jobs. Similar to the piles of leaves in the yard, some of the already postponed routine of changing seasons is just delayed until there is time to devote to those tasks. Some of this is my own doing; for example, I have over twenty-five years of file cabinet content to sort and reduce to a manageable few drawers. My tasks can wait; Betty’s have higher priority. Her “ideas” and “intentions” swirl this way and that, like windblown leaves, and we are slowly sorting out the urgent from the important so these unfinished details do not bother her any more.

Let me conclude this entry by recalling some of the sunshine moments of the past week. Sunday morning Betty was dressed in a fashionable pink jacket; and she looked lovely. Several at church commented about her attractiveness and cards which came early in the week also mentioned how pretty she looked in pink. On Monday the “Canasta Ladies” came and after a couple of rounds, served their lunch; Afterwards, they sat at Betty’s bedside and read with her from the Bible, discussed heaven and “end-of-life-lessons”, and prayed together. On Tuesday, Betty’s first grade girlfriend Helen Marie called and they enjoyed a lengthy visit on the phone. Hospice Nurse Cathey came for her regular visit and during that check-up she strongly counseled Betty about eating [It’s OK to eat when you want to; it’s OK to not eat when your body says, “No.”] Since that talk, Betty has been a little more willing to eat a bit now and then. A favorite cousin (and her hubby) called and we enjoyed that long and precious conference call for much of an hour. Our Wednesday night Bible group, somewhat diminished by the absence of travelers, spent the study time reading together from the Psalms. A very special local friend came to visit, to bring our evening meal, and to sit with Betty while Patty and I made a quick run to Costco. Barb’s love gift of food, time, concern and hugs was far more timely and needed than she could have imagined. So in spite of the storm clouds this week, the sun breaks [Son-Breaks!] delivered by family, friends and loved ones reminded us to look for our daily blessing not in the pain and disability and loss occurring in our physically declining bodies but in the lives and hearts and spirits of believers and thoughtful friends who hold us dear and who take the time to express their feelings in tangible ways.

Winter won't last much longer; Springtime and a season of renewal will be coming soon. I know this more from God's steadfast Word and faithful promises than from the waverings of Punxsutawney Phil, the pessimistic groundhog. Instead of worrying about how much winter remains, we are looking forward to the warm, refreshing, heavenly days ahead.

A PERIOD OF CALM IN THE STORM

For the most part we seem to be in a bit of a lull for now. Nothing too alarming has happened recently. Well, the wind has been blowing quite strongly and clearing the trees of deadwood by strewing it across the lawns. All the leaves of last fall which did not yield to autumn days of raking have come out of hiding and are now waist deep against the mid-lawn chain-link fence. All the friends who have visited over the past couple of weeks have been mellow and enjoyable, both those from out-of-town and the local folk. My papa used to say, "Things are goin' swimmingly".

Betty’s bouts of tummy purging have been infrequent and mostly more like minor spit-ups than gushers (except for the one coming home from the doctor’s office. The floor mats are still drying from that one.). The one major change in our ongoing combination of efforts to deal with her cancer is that Betty’s oncologist has decided that the infusions every four weeks to keep the available calcium fixed in her bone is not necessary based on the testing done prior to each session. His medical position seems to be that it may be counterproductive to administer treatments of any sort for which there is no evident need and for which there are no observable benefits. He does not want to stress her body’s limited capacity to deal on its own with whatever the cancer may be doing at present. Otherwise, all we have to report at present is that pain is successfully under control, nausea is mostly managed; however, her appetite is completely gone and her naps are both longer and more frequent. When she can't or won't eat its harder to get the daily regimine of pills into her on time. That's probably our biggest challenge for now.

Betty has carefully managed her energies in order to be able to continue attending at least the worship portion of the Sunday morning assembly of our congregation. Only once recently, when she was racked with coughing driven by bronchitis, has she been unable to manage the round trip and the ninety minutes she loves of songs, prayers, and communion. Her decision to continue this much of her contact with the church is based upon her conviction that gathering with other believers is a God given mandate and blessing. From the comments I have heard from many of our precious Christian friends, Betty has no idea of how inspiring her effort and example is being to others. Her desire, of course, is primarily to praise God, but she does derive a great deal of encouragement and support from the many who love her and who make a point of sharing their affection in hugs and sweet words. So many gather around her after the dismissal that some don’t even get a chance to speak with her and have to leave their comments and greetings with me. Later, as she carefully reviews the brief visit with each friend and recalls each individual conversation she again benefits and not only is physically strengthened by remembering the conversations but is again uplifted by the tender expressions of love and whatever news was shared.

Thank you to those who continue to pass along bits of your lives and activities in the steady flow of cards and phone calls. These always brighten Betty’s day. In fact, checking the mail has always been one of the highest priorities of any day as long as I have known her, but it has never been more important than it is now. We have noticed that several dear individuals have been faithful to correspond regularly since the beginning of this journey. There will be a special place in Glory for anyone who writes notes of encouragement which arrive dependably every week. You are earning bright stars in your crowns, to be sure! Keep those cards and letters a-coming, folks!

Finally for this post, I must mention the cadre of close friends that are willing to come at short notice to help out or to visit with Betty while I run errands or just get out for a short break. Each of these sisters (and an occasional brother) is/are deeply appreciated for their love and support and the time they are willing to invest to bring us some flexibility and relief. Most valuable and diligent among this group, of course, has been Patty (virtually every day) and her brothers (David and Geoffrey) when they can manage to be in town. Patty checks in frequently, comes almost daily, and often bears a meal or a gift or a movie to share. These all lighten the passing of time and lighten our mood. Even the kid’s spouses and families have been exceptionally involved and supportive. My personal deep thanks to each one of you. Your caring and sharing is a blessing to us.